Facebook groups redux

I couldn’t resist posting a few more Facebook groups people have brought to my attention since my previous post. Perhaps you will find this final installment amusing.

  • I have ADOS ” Attention Deficit … Oooh, Shiny!
  • I asked “What?” twenty times, so now I’m just gonna pretend I heard what you said.
  • Third grade lied. I never use cursive.
  • I hate when you’re about to drive into the driveway and your favorite song starts.
  • Trying to finish a dream by going back to sleep.
  • The word “epic” is overused!
  • I hate when someone waves and I wave back when they were actually waving at someone behind me.
  • Talking to someone and then realizing they are no longer walking beside you.
  • Laughing so hard you don’t even make any noise.
  • They’re not “suggested friends,” they’re people I’m intentionally avoiding.
  • No Microsoft Word, I DIDN’T spell my last name wrong.
  • I accidentally typed “;)” instead of “:)” and now it’s awkward.
  • We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
  • Today I caught myself smiling for no reason… then I realized I was thinking about you.
  • I may be laughing while you tickle me, but I WILL kill you once you stop.
  • For young, first-time voters, it’s similar to clicking the “Like” button, but with limited choices you don’t actually like.

Facebook groups

Facebook is many things all at the same time: fun, controversial, insecure, synergistic, social, and risky. Friends I haven’t seen in years are now my Facebook friends, and it’s the quickest way to get in touch with some people, replacing email and phone calls.

There are all sorts of little groups you can join in Facebook. For example, I’m a big fan of Fun House Pizza on Noland Road in Independence. Whenever I’m there, I have to get one of their house combos. They have a Facebook group, and you can hit the “like” button. Instantly on your wall, it announces that Todd like’s Fun House Pizza.

There also happen to be other groups to “like” in Facebook. Many of them are humorous. I don’t join groups like that because I like to keep my Facebook relatively lean and mean, but here are a few of those groups I’ve granted a chuckle of recognition to.

  • I stay up late every night, and realize it’s a bad idea every morning.
  • I redo high fives if they weren’t good enough the first time.
  • I daydream while I’m reading so I have to read parts over again.
  • I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop pissing me off.
  • I only check my voicemail to get rid of the little icon on the screen.
  • Accomplishing something before the microwave reaches :00
  • Hates the cold feeling you get when you step out of the shower.
  • 63 notifications later, I regret liking your status
  • I type “lol” and I have a blank expression on my face.
  • Driving in the summer with the windows down and the music turned up.
  • I never go to bed angry. I stay up and plot my revenge.
  • Officer, I did see the speed limit sign. I just didn’t see you.
  • I don’t feel like folding my laundry so I just restart the dryer.
  • Hey, Cupid. Can you shoot both of us next time? Thanks.
  • I hate when you put something in a safe spot so you don’t lose it, and then you can’t find it.
  • I will carry 20 grocery bags into the house at a time to avoid making a second trip.

All of these are real Facebook groups you can join. Which strike a chord with you? Found any others worth a comment here?

Why would I be mad?

I’ve made a startling discovery, but what I’ve learned might help some of you newer husbands or boyfriends out there.

Men’s Dictionary

why-would-I-be-mad : interrogative, 1. attempt to elicit a reason another party thinks you’re mad; 2. expression of surprise at a perceived dissatisfaction; declarative, 3. attempt of reassurance that you are not mad; 4. dismissal of the idea that you are mad; syn. don’t worry, we’re cool.

Women’s Dictionary

why-would-I-be-mad : declarative, 1. confirmation the woman is, in fact, mad; interrogative, 2. a pop quiz for the other party to identify what they did to make you mad, usually involving a penalty for supplying the wrong answer; 3. a signal to prepare an apology; syn you’ve really done it this time, the doghouse is that way.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

mallcopOkay, so this movie isn’t going to sweep the Oscars.  In fact, it could be described as silly fun.  But sometimes you want nothing more from a movie but a comedic escape.  If that’s what you’re looking for, check out Paul Blart:  Mall Cop.

I’ve been a fan of Kevin James’s work for awhile.  From his role on television’s King of Queens to his hilarious dance lesson from Wil Smith in Hitch, James never fails to deliver the laughs – especially when the comedy is physical.  There’s no shortage of physical comedy in Mall Cop, but, as is typical of James’s work, the story also has a heartwarming side.  It’s at its heart, Mall Cop is the story of an underdog being thrust into a seemingly impossible situation and rising to the occasion.

In short, where a lot of today’s movie comedy is sarcastic and mean-spirited, this movie is a good, light-hearted alternative.  Angie and I got a kick out of it.

The “Cos”

billcosbySo we got some tickets to see Bill Cosby in concert down in Branson….

My first exposure to Bill Cosby’s standup humor came, of all places, in high school.  Yes, I had an English teacher/coach, who, as English teacher/coaches go, was good at what he did.  Quirky, but good.  He actually read to our class a self-published novel he had written.  Of course, his idol was Stephen King, so most of the teens in his novel died by the end.  Like I said, he was quirky.  As a reward to us near the end of the term, he showed us Bill Cosby:  Himself.

I know, I have digressed somewhat.

But then again, so does Bill Cosby.  Maybe not quite as rambling as me, but more like your favorite old uncle who always tells you stories.  That was what watching Bill Cosby in concert is like now.  He starts stories, moves on to others, then comes back to the first one in a way that made me feel like he’d invited us over for dinner and we were now enjoying some after-dinner conversation.

He spun his humorous stories from a chair in the middle of the stage.  He was wearing a casual sweatshirt, and it looked like he was fighting a cold by the way he went to the tissue box at various times during his performance.

Though still autobiographical, his humor has changed from Bill Cosby:  Himself.  Of course that was over twenty years ago.  Then, he talked about his family, being a father, his kids, his childhood.  Now, at 71 years of age, his jokes are more about the challenges of getting old, trying to swap recipes with fussy neighbors, and visits to the doctor and dentist.

I particularly enjoyed some of the stories about him and his wife Camille.  I “get” that he’s taken some liberty with the “grumpy” exchanges he describes in his routine.  The deep love and understanding that makes a 44-year marriage happen always sneaks in between the lines of his jokes.

“You get to my age, you can sit like this in a room, no TV, no radio, just sitting in a room, and you can get into trouble.”

“My wife will say, ‘I just straightened up in there!’   Well, I must be the mess.”

I hear you, Cos.  And Angie and I really enjoyed you having us over last night.

How to play chess

I came across an instruction slip that must have come from a chess game I had at school.  I thought it might help someone learn how to become a great player, so I’m posting it here.  (Please note, if you look carefully, you might find a couple of typos.  They are not mine; I wanted to reproduce these instructions in all the glory of the original.)

CHESS INSTRUCMON

Loc are drawn to estaohsh who has the while chessmen and thus, who can move first.  This player is then allowed the 16 black chess pieces.  The board is positioned so that each player has a dark corner square on his left.  The rooks are positioned on the two corner square to the left and right.  Next to these come the two corner square to the left and right.  Next to these come the two knights.  One on the left and one on the right.  Next to these, the two bis hops and in the center.  The queen and king, the white queen is always positioned on a light square and black queen on a dark square.  The eight pawns are then placed adjacently in the second row in frond of these chess’ pieces.  The pawns are then placed adjacently in the vance from its initial quare on the second rank, the pawnhas the option of moving one or Two-squa res.  The rook moves only on the ranks and files any distance and the bishop only on the diagonals.  The queen can move in any direction The knights are the only pieces which are able to change direction during the course of a move and “jump over” one’s own or one’s opponent’s pieces; a knight takes one step of one single square along the file or rank and then, still moving many from the square that it has left, takes one step along the diagonal.  The king may move in any direction, one step at a time.   Continue reading How to play chess

What a country!

In the United States, you can always find a party.   In Soviet Russia, the Party finds you!

heartThat’s the kind of thing I expected when Angie and I went to Yakov Smirnoff’s show in Branson.  What I got was a whole lot more.

You see, Yakov is more than just a comedian.  He is an art teacher.  He is a professor of psychology.  He is a writer.  He is an actor.  He is a traditional Russian dancer.  We got a glimpse of each of these facets at his show.

The comedy in his show was family friendly, but sharp.  His clever play with the language was like George Carlin without the vulgarity.  “I bet you never looked at it that way … but you will now!” was his refrain.

What struck me most about Yakov was his genuine affection and appreciation for America.  He spoke in a way that isn’t fashionable now.   Continue reading What a country!

Blue Man Group

BlueManGroupHow To Be a Megastar 2.0 Tour.  The Blue Man Group.  Where to begin talking about this concert.  Well, more than a concert…an experience.

Angie and I decided to have an “appetizer-dinner” at one of our favorite restaurants in Columbia, Old Chicago, which, incidentally is where this odd group is originally from (the city, not the restaurant).  Once we got to “The ‘Zou” we were greeted by the music and video of Mike Relm, the opening act.  We didn’t have the best seats in the house, but once the Blue Men started their show, we felt like we were in the thick of a great rock concert.

The show was much more than that, though.  It was music with inventive percussion instruments and a full backup band.  It was comedy with audience participation.  It was special effects with crazy lighting and luminescent clothing.  It was gross, with half-eaten food being used as an art medium.  It was art with paint flying and splattering.

All of these elements added up to a slightly off-kilter look at the phenomenon of fame and rock stardom.  Angie and I really enjoyed it on every level.

Quote – ‘One of my fun sites’

From The Quotation Page‘s Quote of the Day for the last week.  Ponder and enjoy them.

Cecil Baxter. “You don’t get anything clean without getting something else dirty.”

John A. Wheeler. “If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day.”

Alan Kay. “The best way to predict the future is to invent it.”

Unknown. “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.”

Paul Harvey. “In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.”